so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Randomize
