wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
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