i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Randomize
