Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
