It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Randomize
