So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Randomize
