I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
