so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
