I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Randomize
