Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Randomize
