Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Randomize
