We got so high we made milksteak
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
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