Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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