I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
