I am in a vortex of obligation.
I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
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i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
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Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
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