I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
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