I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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