remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
