My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
