he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
My penis needs a shock collar
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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