textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
