I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
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