Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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