Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
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K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
These 25 Normal Couples Tried Porn Moves During Sex And It Ended Horribly
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot