Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.