I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
