Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
