You're never going to guess who I just worked out next to..
Who?
Chris brown
No way... I bet he was intense
Are you kidding? He was prob training for round two
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
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