I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Randomize
