Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
One girl and one boy is just not enough.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
