My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
