My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
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they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
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My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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