Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
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