She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
27 Socially Expected Things That Are The Absolute Worst
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
These 21 People Are Related To Famous Celebrities
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment