How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
