This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
