Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
