Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
