I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
