I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
