it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.