If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
