My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
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