I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
