my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
