I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
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