I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
The Olympian is in my bed
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
