I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
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Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
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It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
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