I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
