I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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