So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
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I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
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You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
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