i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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