I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
