Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
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