So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
