Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Randomize
